


What Humans Do

by Aethelflaed



Series: ILL OMENS: The Quarantine Fics [2]
Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Asexual Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens), Boredom, But i guess they got curious, First Time, Fluff and Crack, Ineffable Husbands (Good Omens), M/M, Non-Explicit, Really just a punchline, Short & Sweet, quarantine fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-17
Updated: 2020-04-17
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:01:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23708065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aethelflaed/pseuds/Aethelflaed
Summary: Aziraphale and Crowley have been in quarantine for four days.They've run out of things to do.What do humans do in this situation?
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Series: ILL OMENS: The Quarantine Fics [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1707424
Comments: 32
Kudos: 118





	What Humans Do

**Author's Note:**

> There was a prompt on Tumblr for the Ineffable Husbands and the unspeakable horror of being in quarantine together, and well...

“Well,” Aziraphale sighed. _“Now what?”_

Crowley slumped forward. They sat at the table in his study – he in his throne, Aziraphale on the uncomfortable chair he kept for guests. They’d never gotten around to getting an armchair.

“Dunno,” Crowley grunted. “You want to eat again?”

Aziraphale glanced towards the kitchen wistfully. “Better not. There’s only enough for about a dozen meals.”

“Nh.” Crowley scrolled absently through Twitter on his mobile. “I can Google another card game.”

“Oh, yes, because two-person baccarat turned out _so_ thrilling.” Aziraphale glared at the cards spread before them.

“Sweep them off the table dramatically if you want,” Crowley offered, tossing his phone aside. “Might make you feel better.”

Aziraphale huffed. “No, I suppose not. I’d just have to pick them all up.”

Four days into their self-isolation, and they couldn’t tell what was worse: the cabin fever, or the miracle rationing.

In the last seven months, they’d learned that each use of their powers took days to recover from. During which time, they were susceptible to hunger, exhaustion, and disease.

Crowley argued that as long as they didn’t use any miracles, they couldn’t get sick. Aziraphale countered they didn’t _know_ they couldn’t be carriers.

And so. Quarantine.

Crowley rested his head on folded arms. “I could sleep.”

“Don’t you _dare._ We’re in this together, which means if _I’m_ bored, _you’re_ bored.”

“Read a book, then.”

“You have _three books_ in this flat,” Aziraphale snapped. “And one is a picture book.”

“Science book, not…oh, never mind.”

“Besides, I’ve already memorized them.”

They’d listened to every record in Crowley’s collection, even the “bebop.” Played every card game they could remember plus some they’d invented. Aziraphale had performed his full magic routine twice.

Desperate times.

“Could try the television again. You’d like _Golden Girls.”_

Aziraphale rubbed his eyes. “The screen gives me migraines.”

“I don’t know what else to suggest. What do humans do in these situations?”

The angel considered. “Well. I think they have sex.”

Crowley rolled that around his mind. “Huh. Never saw the appeal.”

Aziraphale shrugged. “We could try it.”

“What, with each other?” Crowley considered the erotic artworks he’d seen. “Looks uncomfortable, really. And messy.”

“I suppose,” Aziraphale admitted, internally riffling through romance novels of varying levels of detail. “If you do it correctly, the pleasure should outweigh the discomfort.”

“Nh.” Crowley sat back, arms folded. “It’s the _doing it correctly_ I have my doubts about.”

“Well, humans figure it out all the time. How hard could it be?”

“I think…” Crowley mentally reviewed several movies featuring suave spies. “They just sort of start kissing, and it all escalates pretty fast.”

“Kissing?” Uncertainty crept into Aziraphale’s voice. “On the _mouth?”_

“Mouth. Neck. Face.” Crowley’s brow furrowed. “Ear?”

They both thought for a long moment.

“Well, I suppose it’s worth trying just to see how it goes. Unless you have any better ideas.”

Sighing, Crowley headed towards the bedroom. “Alright. But bring a snack. If this doesn’t work out, I _will_ be taking a nap.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Hope it made you laugh.
> 
> For the record, though I do generally write Asexual Ineffable Husbands, they aren't usually this clueless about sex. Mostly I'd just had Crowley's review of erotic Greek vases in my mind and wanted to share.
> 
> (Jury is out on whether they actually went through with it, or if Crowley remembered he had Monopoly and they played that instead.)


End file.
